why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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