i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
