You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
