Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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