i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
