wrigley field is MILF paradise
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
