those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
