3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i out mim tonsoeep
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