Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
