Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
