I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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