so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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