Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
