she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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