so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize