Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
