I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
