my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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