I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
