ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
