Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
