just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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