I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
