I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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