peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
