god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
