you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
