I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
