I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
