I'm lost and stupid without you.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
