i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
