Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
