The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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