Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I love you. Go after that dick
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
