I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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