So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
