Nicole vs. Life
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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