Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
