R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
