youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
