I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
