C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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