Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
