My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
