peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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