I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
