Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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