I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
