Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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