he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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