I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
