Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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