non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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