Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
