so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
