It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
