Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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