I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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