If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I wish there were birth control emojis
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize