Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
