He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
