They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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