my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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